Caring For Your Partner 

The loss of a child before it is born naturally stirs intense and conflicting emotions. Women might feel an intense physical bonding and grief for a being they already were beginning to know. Whereas men might feel more ephemerally connected and cheated from the opportunity to begin their bond. When miscarriage affects couples, it may stimulate growth or, conversely, unearth an inability to support each other through troubling times. The confusion surrounding one's own feelings as well as how to be of real support to one's partner after the loss tends to disrupt the balance of our relationships. This is especially true if some of that balance lay in the shared anticipation of parenthood. The inability to share and understand each other's grief can be an isolating experience.

One week after the loss, most women report feeling closer interpersonally with their partner while feeling more distant sexually. As time progresses and different coping strategies for grief kick in, the feelings of closeness fade even when their sexual relationship recovers. Partners with significantly different grieving patterns may be at particularly high risk for subsequent marital conflict or emotional withdrawal.

A recent study on women's perceptions on their relationship after a miscarriage (1) showed that women who perceived their partners engaged in mutual sharing of feelings and experiences claimed to grow closer interpersonally and sexually. When partners failed to do things that showed they cared, women felt abandoned. These results combined with the findings of others (2) that men tend to keep to themselves after miscarriage deny their own loss, engage in avoidance, distract themselves through work and, if highly self-critical, experience greater despair and difficulty suggest that couples may need coaching in how best to care for each other after miscarriage.

Should you find that your partner experiences feelings of grief at the same intensity and duration as you, count yourself fortunate. Grief, by definition an extremely uncomfortable emotion, when shared and reflected accurately by another, tends to wane and can actually strengthen us over time. Creating supportive rituals to acknowledge and soothe one another's pain are tremendously helpful for those who have experienced a miscarriage. Funerals, wakes, birthday and anniversary routines all serve to give parents healing time; honoring the role that the “child to be” continues to play in their family and restoring a sense of meaning to the loss.

It is important to normalize the fact, however, that men and women tend to experience the impact of miscarriage differently. Coping with loss is a unique experience for each of us and there is no “right way” to go about it. Women, in general, do not need to learn to toughen up and let go. Nor do men need to soften up and express themselves more deeply. Often we choose our partners precisely because of these differences. The health of our long term commitment to one another depends on remaining curious and respectful of how those differences evolve over time.

Should weeks of estrangement from your partner's grief become months (or years), it is good practice to explore new pathways for connection. The topic of miscarriage may seem still terribly hurtful to one, and all but forgotten to the other. Remember that getting outside help is appropriate at any stage of grief. Couples counseling provides neutral territory for safely acknowledging the new terrain of your marriage and what new shared coping strategies might still be available.

Pregnancy After Loss

                  Losing a baby to miscarriage (some definitions say that this is before 20 weeks of gestation, some go up to 28 weeks of growth in the womb), to stillbirth (after 20-28 weeks), or after birth, can be devastating. Some parents describe feeling crushed to their very soul. Becoming pregnant again after such a loss must be so welcome and joyful! Well, not always.

                  Following the loss of an infant, a subsequent pregnancy may feel like it is coming too soon. Emotions may come as a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows. Some people even experience posttraumatic stress symptoms after such an intense loss (Söderquist, Wijma, Thorbert, & Wijma, 2009). Do these families just need to weather the storm? Just put it behind them?

Not all families - and even within families, not all people - experience grief and worry in the same way. It may be expected that they will, therefore, not experience a subsequent pregnancy the same way either. If you are finding that you have feelings that just will not calm and quiet with time, support is available.

Some people like to find support among others who have been through similar experiences.  Helping after Neonatal Death (www.handonline.org), Compassionate Friends (www.compassionatefriends.org), and other organizations created to walk with families through grief after infant loss, have specific in-person and online support groups for those who are pregnant again after a loss. Individual hospitals and community groups (such as The Red Tent and/or Family Well Being Associates in Los Gatos) organize events or can respond to special requests to create events to fit your need.

Remembrance activities, such as religious services, community-based rituals, memory quilts, personal memory boxes, and shadow boxes can be healing. Talking with care providers openly about your fears and concerns for your current pregnancy can be helpful. Health professionals will help you to put some of the “what if” feelings to rest by comparing what is different in your circumstances at this time. Working as a team to screen for postpartum mood and anxiety disorders following your current pregnancy will also give you the quality health care that you need.

                   If the fears and trauma will just not be calmed, proven psychotherapeutic interventions may be useful. EMDR and hypnosis have been shown through research to be useful in circumstances involving complex grief. Group counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling have all been studied and found helpful to many people in similar circumstances.

Relying on knowledge and awareness of yourself, ways in which you have weathered emotional upheavals in the past, and following your own personal wish list for support in the present can gentle you through the most challenging of life’s experiences. You can find peace within this pregnancy, and even joy as you cradle a new baby in your arms.

A Doula's Perspective

Sharon Storton and Jonathan Bartlett now offer collaborative practices specializing in:

• Parenting Skills

• Pre and Post Natal Couples

• Couples Communication

• Pre-teen &Teen Changes

• Families in Transition

• Co-Parenting

• Single Parenthood

Build on communication skills and be pro-active during times of intense growth, adjustment, or stress.

 Visit our website  to schedule a series of short term sessions alone or with your family.