What can I do for someone who is grieving? Is there really any way that a "bystander" can help?
These are questions we often ask ourselves when someone we know is faced with a loss. Watching a person suffer the pain of loss can be almost unbearable. Often in life it is easier to accept our own suffering that it is to accept the anguish of someone we deeply care about.
A feeling of isolation is common to those mourning a death. In our society, most of us run from suffering and death. Immediately after the death and funeral, we quickly withdraw back into our own lives. We may be uncomfortable with death and, subconsciously, even feel afraid that their misfortune will rub off on us. The most important thing is to "be there" for our friend or family member. We don’t have to completely understand what they are going through to help them.
Grievers need to know there is a person who will be there—someone with whom they can feel comfortable sharing their grief and sorrow—someone who will not change the subject or show discomfort when they cry. We can be physically there, sitting at their side as they talk or cry, accompanying them to appointments or activities, or simply standing beside them as they carry on with the work of life. Or, if we live in a different place, we can call or e-mail them on a regular basis. Whatever the form of interaction, it is important to stop and listen. Pay attention to what they are saying and don’t judge them or their feelings. This person is experiencing thoughts and emotions that are new to them. Sometimes their thoughts may seem disturbing. We must always listen calmly and reassuringly.
When initiating communication, it helps to inquire in specifics. Keep in mind that there are no words that will take their pain away. Our purpose is to provide an outlet or sounding board for their thoughts and feelings. If we just ask the standard question, “How are you doing?” it sounds rhetorical and often will be answered as such. Take the same question and make it more specific. “What is on your mind this morning?” “Did you sleep well last night?” “What are you going to do this afternoon?” This simple method subtly gives the message that you are ready to listen to even minor details and emotions. It immediately opens the door for a heartfelt interchange.
Those of us who wish to help by our actions often comment, "I told Susan to call me if she needed anything, but I haven't heard from her." On the flip side, time and again, I have heard a mourner say, "John and Jane said to call if I need anything, but I feel uncomfortable asking them for help."
