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by Mary Zemites
Our roles in life define us. Parent, spouse, student, employee, sibling, and offspring are some examples. Our identity is shaped by these roles.
Before my husband's death, my defining roles were mother, wife and caregiver. With three young children and a terminally ill husband, these responsibilities took up the majority of my waking hours. When Greg died, that changed dramatically. In the aftermath of this loss, I naturally felt lost and confused. Much of this was due to grieving his absence. But, as time passed, I realized that I was also grieving the loss of my roles of wife and caregiver. I was grieving the loss of my identity.
It may seem impossible to reinvent or rediscover ourselves at such a difficult time in our lives. The mother and father who lose a child, the son or daughter who loses a parent, the sibling who loses a brother or sister. All of us face a drastic change in the relationships and functions that make up our identity.
At first we feel off-balance and unsure of the direction we should take. There is a big hole in our being that needs to be filled. Many people feel depressed and suffer a general lack of interest or lethargy. This is natural and, if we don't get stuck here, can allow us needed time for reflection before beginning the work of recovery.
I have experienced and observed other "action" responses to the hole in our identity caused by the loss of our important roles. These include over-working, over-parenting and substitution.
Throwing ourselves into our work is a very common response to this gap in our lives. Letting our professional identity become all-encompassing is a panacea in our society to compensate for voids in our life. Work is often necessary, provides normalcy amidst upheaval, and gives us a sense of accomplishment. However over-working prevents moving forward though grief and is not a satisfying long-term fix for the underlying loss of self.
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