Hello, my name is Tabatha Fatolitis, and I am a grateful recovering addict. What that means for me is I haven’t had the desire or used any mood alternative drug or alcohol since Jan 5, 2019. I would like to tell you a little about myself, where I was before recovery and where I am today with the help of my Higher Power. My father was a preacher and, as I was growing up, he thought he was doing a good thing by giving men a place to lay their heads. What he didn’t notice was the sexual abuse that I was experiencing every night by family members and the men that were staying in my home. As I got older, I thought this was normal. I believed that was how I was supposed to be treated and that was the way to show love. As I got older, I began to realize this wasn’t right, but I was a scared and timid little girl, and I was afraid to reach out for help. This was just the beginning of the trauma that I experienced.

At the age of 16, I was married off to my first husband who was in his 20’s. Of course, that didn’t work because I was still a child. My first child was born when I was 18 years old. Understanding the love that I felt for my child, I knew that I would do anything I could to protect my children from harm. Around this time, I began to notice that I was experiencing bouts of depression and anxiety. I also had no self-worth and that was reflected in my thinking. I thought it was normal to feel like I was worthless and had no purpose. I didn’t really understand my mental health at the time and did not realize that I was suffering from the mental health disorder. I still felt like I had everything under control.

I reconnected with my childhood crush after my divorce and got married. I thought my life couldn’t get any better, but boy, was I wrong. The controlling behavior and domestic abuse started immediately. This should have been a red flag, but I wasn’t in a place to see that. I just wanted to feel like I was wanted and loved. Already struggling with my mental health, my husband led me to believe that the abuse was all my fault and that I deserved it. He kept me trapped by making sure that I stayed pregnant because, at that point, I felt like I didn’t have any options. I already had two children and I had three more with him. Every night I lived in fear for the lives of my children and myself. Many times, the thought raced through my head, that tonight would be the night I would die. After many years of physical and mental abuse, he came home seemingly high and was acting irrational. He told me that he was leaving and wasn’t coming back. I was relieved because I knew this was my time to escape and find freedom. Not long after he left, he began calling and spent days begging to come back. I refused, but I continued to live in fear every day that he would harm me or my children.

In 2006, the day before Christmas Eve, he called and wanted to come see the kids for Christmas. As a mother, I felt guilty and thought that I wouldn’t be a good mother if I didn’t let him come and visit his children. The manipulation started immediately and it didn’t take long for him to talk me into letting him come back home. He wanted to go and get his clothes and be back before the children woke up for Christmas. He left around 4:00 am and called as he was driving down the interstate, continuing his manipulation of me, but as he was talking to me on the phone, a horrific thing happened- he lost control of his car, crashed, and the crash resulted in his death. This was the end of his life, but, at this point, I felt like it was the end of mine too. This was the beginning of my addiction. 

During my husband’s funeral, my friends gave me pills to help me numb the pain and find a sense of relief (or at least I thought). I began to self-medicate and my addiction spiraled out of control. I thought I was this great functioning addict, but it got to the point that I was selling everything in my house, using all the bill money, and even degrading myself to get my next fix. I didn’t care that my children were doing without. I didn’t realize that I was about to lose everything that I cherished the most.

Soon I lost my house and DCS placed my children with my father and sister. My sick mind allowed me to rationalize that since my children were being taken care of, I could use more heavily. That allowed me to fall deeper into addiction. I eventually got to a place where I had no intentions at the time to get my children back. It took six years to hit rock bottom. I had no clue how to ask for help, but I also thought I didn’t need it. I had told myself that I wasn’t worth fixing and I believed it. 

I found myself in jail in 2019, after years of being in and out of jail. This time I was different. I finally told myself that I was sick of living the life that I was living and that I am worthy of recovery. When I came out of jail for the last time, in May 2019, I was a lost, broken, humiliated, scared person ready to give it her all in recovery. I began Felony Recovery Court and received treatment with Families Free. I met some amazing people there who showed me how to live life without having to use substances, offered me the love that I have always been looking for, increased my confidence, and taught me how to become the nurturing mother I once was. They believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.

Seeing how life was in this program of recovery, I knew this was what I wanted. So, I took the steps I needed to begin my journey. I started going to a 12 step AA program. I got a sponsor to help me through my steps and, the best part of all, I found a connection with my Higher Power that never leads me wrong. I gave it all to my Higher Power and let him lead me down this path. Don’t get me wrong, every day has struggles, but I know I am worth recovery and I know that I am worth being alive today. 

I have gained so many things from my recovery. I regained custody of my children, I have custody of my grandson, which is the light of my life. I have stable housing. I have a new car. I have money in the bank, and I don’t have to worry about my bills being paid. I have been employed with Frontier Health where I work in a substance abuse rehab for women for a little over a year, and this one place where I get to offer hope to women who are suffering just like I did. I have been clean for almost three years and I achieved my goal of mine of becoming a Certified Peer Recovery Specialist (CPRS) in July 2021.

In the past, I had always put myself down. I never believed in myself and that stopped me from completing some of my goals. I started believing in myself and I have the drive to achieve those goals now. I went back to school to become a Social Worker and I want to work in Mental Health/Substance Abuse. I will receive my associates degree with honors in summer 2022. I have mended the once broken relationships with my family that I thought would never be fixed.

There is so much to be thankful for today. If you would’ve told me three years ago that I would be where I am today, I wouldn’t have believed you. If I can help one person with my story, that gives me hope and inspiration to keep going. To end my story, I would like to share my favorite quote, “It’s okay to be a glow stick, sometimes we need to break before we shine!”