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I try to keep things light around here. The world of Apple tech support is stressful enough. But sometimes there are issues too serious to ignore. I’ve decided to tell you about one that’s been affecting my life far too long. “Um…sweetie? Are you sure?” I don’t know how she does it... but my wife manages to appear whenever I’m about to eat a carefully excavated (from the back of the freezer) Haagen-Dazs bar, or whenever I’m about to overshare in public. “I think the people need to know,” I say with conviction. “What people?” “THE people. The people of the world!” I was feeling rather righteous. “Brothers and Sisters, just like me, who might fall prey to what I’ve only recently tried to escape.” “So now, ‘THE people,’” she air quotes me, “are all reading your newsletter?” “You never know, sweetie. Oprah lives in town. She could get wind of it and then tell THE people at any moment. And this one’s important. The people need to know.” “You’re not going Snowden on me, are you?” “More like Travolta.” “You’re going to mispronounce names during award ceremonies?” “No, but I’m considering calling HBO about it.” “You’re joking, right?” “Sweetie, this is serious. Tom Cruise serious. Kirstie Alley, Chick Corea, Beck, Jenna Elfman and Bart Simpson scary.” “Bart Simpson?” “Yeah, the voice of Bart Simpson. Apparently Nancy Cartwright did robocalls for L. Ron using the Bart voice. Yes. She did. Can you imagine getting a robocall from Bart Simpson about Dianetics? It was just as creepy as it sounds.” “So you want HBO to do another documentary on Scientology?” “No, that’s been done. This is much deeper. I’m... I'm having doubts.” She looks at me with a look that can only say: “And?…” “You realize they’ll come after me if I try to pull away, right?” “Sweetie, did you have the paranoia pizza for lunch?” “Devotees are pretty fierce once they sense you’re trying to step back a tad and be more objective. They’ll make it clear that it’s ‘not a wise idea.’”
“Dear husband. We’ve known each other a long time. I get that we’re wired differently and see the world with unique lenses. There’s probably no one on the planet that knows you as well as I do. That being said, I recognize the familiar feeling of being in the midst of yet another conversation where I have no handholds or points of reference.” She’s right, of course. I’m being purposely opaque. Density usually comes unintentionally to me, but this time I’m trying to be unreadable. I’m not 100% certain she’ll support me. What if she decides I’m crazy, or worse, reports me to the church? I decide to risk it. I’ve got to tell someone. “I’ve been having doubts about the Cult of Mac.” She looks horrified and says, “Oh no!” “Seriously?!” “No, I’m being sarcastic again.” “Don’t do that! You know I can’t read British sarcasm well. Scared me half to death!” “Why would it scare you?” “Well, I wasn’t sure how you would react. You’re a member by marriage, you realize?” “In the Cult of Mac?” “Sweetie, we’ve talked about this before!” “Well, I’m quite fond of my Apple devices, but it’s not a church or anything.” “Shhhhhh! Don’t say that! They’ll hear! Don’t you know that once you drink the Kool Aid, they’ll never let you go?” “Husband, methinks you’re drinking something stronger than Kool Aid.” “I’m serious. Just the other day online I mentioned that Apple dropped the ball on the AppleWatch launch because about 90 seconds after the store went live, shipping dates slipped to 4-6 weeks. It was supposed to be here April 24th. Every piece of marketing said April 24. I’m having a crisis of faith because it was UNTRUE! 99% of the devoted who stayed up till midnight to order will be lucky to see one by June!” Again I get the “And?” look. “And, I was BANNED, shunned, excommunicated. They said I had insulted other people on this hallowed Apple website.” “Did you insult anyone?” “No, of course not! I just said they didn’t need to apologize for Apple. Everyone was defending Apple.” “And they banned you for that?” “Apparently calling someone an ‘apologist’ in the Cult of Mac is akin to heresy. I also suggested that battery life on the iPhone 6 has been disappointing.” “Well, now you’re just asking for it.” “They attacked me! They said I was a Droid $%#*!” “Really? They said that?” “It was horrible. After I was banned, my cordial, spirited comments and questions were deleted and others actually called me a TROLL! Can you believe it?! You know I hate trolls. They called me a troll…” Tears begin to well. I knew this would be hard, but had no idea how emotional I’d become. My wife holds my head in her hands and looks in my eyes with compassion. “Dear, you’re not a troll, but you definitely drank too much Kool Aid in your youth. Maybe you’re just sobering up? Perhaps the reality distortion field you speak of is simply dissipating?” “They wouldn’t even speak directly to me except to say that I should go to Hades (aka: Seattle) where Bill Gates only allows Windows devices. It was awful. I thought I was asking some reasonable theological questions and now I’m being tossed out of the Garden.” “I thought you said it would be hard to leave? They would never let you go?” “They’re shunning me because they know it’s the best way to get me to come back crawling, broken, humble and begging forgiveness.” “Well, you did taste the fruit of the forbidden tree. Were you the one who took the bite out of the Apple logo?” “Ha. Ha. Go ahead and mock my dark night of the soul. I deserve it.” “I’m not mocking. I just think it’s ridiculous that anyone could ever think you’re anything other than an Apple Apostle. For Steve’s sake, you’re Mick of Mick’s Macs! Nobody preaches the Gospel like you do.” And then it hit me. She’s right. “Hey, you’re right. Thank you for that. What am I thinking? I might be a Doubting Mick on occasion, but I’m still a disciple. You’re right, sweetie. I’m heading over to the AppleStore, do a little preaching on the curb, serve some communion and see if I can find a higher up who might hear my confession.” “Whatever it takes, dear husband. Whatever it takes…” At Mick’s Macs, we may question the faith from time to time, but we like to think it just makes us all the more trustworthy when you have a problem. Besides, we're only human. Having doubts? We’re here for confession whenever you need it and hope to see our AppleWatches sometime in June… Keep the faith,
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