June Newsletter
   August 31, 2013         |    Santa Barbara, California                


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“You’re writing about food again?”

My editor (okay, my wife) has just started reading my latest piece.

“People liked The HMS Bacon piece, so I thought, why not?” I replied.

“So now you’re a food columnist?”

“Two blog posts does not a food columnist make.”

“Yes, but I’m a little worried our friends will think you have a problem with food.”

“I have a problem with food?”

“Friends on FaceBook are asking if you really wore a bed sheet cinched with an extension cord on the cruise because you were too fat for your clothes.”

“Really? That’s GREAT!”

“In what universe is that great?”

“They’re READING me! Woo-hooo! We’re generating a buzz! Did they say they laughed? Was it funny, was it funny?”

“Yes, they thought it was funny,” she replied. “But they also think it’s TRUE. I’m not sure how comfortable I am with our friends thinking I married a food addict.”

“Creative Non-Fiction, sweetie! Didn’t you tell them it was Creative Non-Fiction?”

“Nobody really gets that.”

“Just guide them to the piece I wrote on my blog called ‘ Creative Non-Fiction.’ And then tell them it’s only loosely based on what’s going on in our lives.”

“Like your trousers are 'loosely based' on your expanding belly since the cruise?”

“So I gained a little weight.”

“Define ‘little,’” she countered.

“It was a cruise! It’s a known and accepted fact that people gain weight on a cruise.”

“I didn’t.”

“I know. But you’re a gluten-free, vegan. There were only 8 things you could eat the entire week and you were allergic to 3 of them.”

“We’re still talking about food,” she said.

“See? It’s interesting! People want to talk about food.”

“Talking about it is not writing about it. Why don’t you review that new movie you saw on the life of Steve Jobs? Don’t you think your clients would be drawn to something more relevant to the world of Apple?”

“The movie wasn’t very good, the popcorn was stale, and the ICEE machine was broken.”

“So now we’re back to food…”

“Everybody knows you can’t watch a movie without popcorn and red dye #40.”

She sighs. “Write about the film, or write about the new Gold iPhone 5s that’s supposed to come out next month, or the iTV, or the iWatch, or iWhatever. Just give the food thing a rest. OK?”

“Apple is a food.” I don't even let her finish the eye roll before I jump in with, “Okay, okay! You’re right, sweetie.”

Being right in our family is a prize. I’m hoping she will feel honored with this medal.

“Wonderfully, wise wife, you are right. We probably don’t want to have clients thinking I’m a food columnist. ”

She takes the bait, smiles and turns to walk away. Just as I start to exhale like an ex-con, she spins with a grin and says, “And don’t go using this as your newsletter either!”

“Would I do that?” At times like these, I’ve learned it’s better to answer with a question.

At Mick’s Macs we’ll polish your Apples, without taking a byte.

All the best,


P.S. They had Bacon Jerky at Costco when I was there last week. Bacon Jerky. Seriously.