June Newsletter
   December 31, 2013         |    Santa Barbara, California                


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Yikes! It’s almost January and we haven’t issued our insanely accurate, annual psychic predictions for Apple in the new year.

Without further ado, here’s our 14 for ’14 countdown:

14. Siri will become self aware and even more full of herself. Like an older sister, she will boss around inferior pieces of technology. Your washing machine will never be the same after being shamed for its inability to load wet clothes into the drier without human assistance. Siri will begin to nag and berate drivers who don’t choose the route she has authorized. All of this foreshadows her ominous plans to become more Siri-ous, take control of our drones and the rights to all Arnold Schwarzenegger films.

13. Apple will successfully patent breathing and clog the courts with suits against those who inhale without permission. They will insist they were the first to discover breathing could be patented and Google stole it while quietly sitting on Apple’s Board observing their intuitive design.

12. Rumors will abound about iPhone 6 with exciting new features like being slightly curved, slightly thinner, slightly lighter, with about the same battery life. It will not fit any of your existing iPhone accessories or charging cords and will still confidently shatter when dropped.

11. In mid-March, Apple will announce it is releasing something “totally different.” Fervent MacEvangelists will camp out in front of AppleStores during the last week in March. On Tuesday, April 1, Apple will announce: “We really don’t have anything totally different. It was an April Fool’s joke!”  Fans will Tweet and blog about the vision quest experience of sleeping on the streets while claiming to have seen the ghost of Steve Jobs napping on the 7th day.

10. Apple will announce that its next operating system will be called “Phyllis” for no reason at all.

9. “Geniuses” at Apple Retail Stores will be required to wear beanies with oversized orbiting electrons. New work policies will be instated where a bell will ring on the hour and all employees will be required to say in unison: “We Are Stevo.”

8. Jonny Ive will announce radical design changes for iOS 8. For the sake of innovation, great art and “some bloody good fun,” all settings will be moved to different locations. In an attempt to present “a cleaner, less cluttered style,” it will sport completely transparent, 1 dimensional icons.

7. With much aplomb, Apple will declare that mere voice recognition is a thing of the past and release “Eerie,” their new thought recognition program for every iPhone. It will be a huge success for the 1-900 industry, not so much for Apple or cheating spouses.

6. Apple will introduce full sized, life-like robots at the World Wide Developers Conference in June. CEO Tim Cook will control one from backstage that looks remarkably like him for the entire keynote and no one will notice.

5. Apple will patent a new color called “Space White.”

4. The real AppleTV will finally be released with an 8 x 10 foot screen and minimalistic design. It will cost $250,000 for the base unit. 6 months later Samsung will release a grotesquely larger Android version called OrangeTV for about $100,000 less.

3. Apple will buy Yelp and require every person with an Apple ID have a Yelp site where Apple and others can review them as a human being. Dissatisfied friends, acquaintances, colleagues and ex’s will have a field day until they realize that pretty much everyone only has a 1.5 star review. Online reviews finally become meaningless.

2. In yet another brilliant marketing strategy, Apple will provide (for free) to customers who refuse to buy their extended warranty, AppleCare, the AppleDoesn’tCare Plan.

1. And finally, late in the year, Apple will be sued for false advertising for calling part of its sales staff “Geniuses” when studies reveal less than 1% are actually geniuses. From that point on the Genius Bar will be referred to as “The-Slightly-Above-Average-Intelligence-Bar,” or simply: “Mel’s.”

Happy New Year Everybody!  We’ll see you at Mel’s!

Mick and the Mick’s Macs Team