How can you tell when a writer is completely out of ideas?  They invariably do a "Top 10" list!  Or if they’re really depleted (or just lazy) they'll do a “ 7 Successful Something” list because coming up with 10 things is just too tiring.  In a certain to be flawed attempt to prove that I'm neither, here are my top 17 things to be REALLY scared of this Halloween.


The Top 17 Things to Be Really Scared of This Halloween are:

17.  That it won’t rain tonight in Santa Barbara even though it’s Halloween.

16.  That Barack Obama actually was responsible for the death of the Archduke Ferdinand of Austria in 1914 (causing WWI), the rise of communism in Russia that followed, and the 1929 stock market crash which led to the Great Depression. He is proven to be 150 years old and “just ages very well.”

15.  That your creepy next door neighbor dresses up convincingly like the rotting undead tonight and you can’t tell (or smell) the difference.

14.   That aliens from another planet will invade and be better than us at everything, including destroying the planet.

13.  That consenting adults will get dressed up in tight fitting, spandex, cat- like animal costumes tonight. [Um, I’ve just been informed that this is “sexy,” not “scary.” My bad.]

12.   Clowns. Clowns are by far the most underrated scary creature on the face of the earth as any 3 (or 53) year old will let you know. Zombies and Frankenstein are slow, slow, slow, but clowns can paralyze you with fear like a skunk about to get hit on a dark road.

11.  That Mitch McConnell, Bill Maher and Sarah Palin are not actually extraterrestrials.

10.  That Microsoft will continue to make phones and tablets.

9.  That the widening Highway 101 project will be completed right about the time we run out of oil and water.

8. That Apple will invent 3 more device categories we can’t live without and they will offer 0% financing because their cost exceeds the limit of most credit cards.

7.  That Samsung will continue to make incredibly expensive crappy refrigerators requiring a major repair every year in the month of August including a complete defrost of the fridge and a removal of every bit of food inside of it for 36-48 hours. [Sorry, that’s just our reality…]

6.   That Kim Jong-un, the “Supreme Commander of North Korea” will never realize what a totally stupid looking hair cut he has and that basically, even if he had a great Rob Lowe haircut, he’s Still. a. Dork. [Actually, he's much worse than a dork but that’s the worst word I can use here during family hour.] Oh, and Diana Ross is suing him for the use of the word “Supreme.” Being a “Supreme” requires soul, and the soul-less need not apply.

5.  That daily FaceBook users will never figure out they have wasted a fifth of their lives clicking “like.”

4.  That Apple will finally disclose the most expensive iPad only costs $17.89 to make, but they will still continue to sell it for over $800.

3.  That taxpayers will bankroll a huge bailout of the financial industry, causing all of the leaders in each institution to receive millions in bonuses and suffer giant profit gains with no reduction in year end bonuses. [Oh. Wait. I’ve just been informed by my wife that this has already happened. Never mind…]

2. That Vladimir Putin will publish a calendar of himself topless.

1.  Did I mention clowns?

Happy Halloween!

Mick & Mishan