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It was early Monday morning at Mick’s Macs when Joe walked in and found me with my head face down on the bench. “Mick, you okay?” “Mrphulla mofilling mustufah.” “Mick, you have to pull your face off the bench if you want to make sense.” “I’m. so. sick. of. this. election,” I said with lack of sleep marks on my face. “Joe, I just can’t take it anymore.” “It’s almost over, right? Just a couple weeks.” “It will never be over… ever…it feels like it’s been dragging on and on and on for years,... I think I have pre-election depression.” “Yeah, it’s been pretty brutal this time around. When they started discussing hand size at the primary debates, I figured it was all downhill from there.” “Brutal? Joe, you’re being kind. It’s been sloppy, messy, shocking, embarrassing, and deeply uncomfortable like an episode of “ The Office,” the original one from England? Our national discourse is like an awkward Ricky Gervais moment as we’re reduced to these long drawn out silences after someone says something completely appalling and then we eventually laugh nervously and hope it will go away because we don’t know what else to do.” “Whew! Clearly, you’ve given this some thought.” “Joe, it’s all I think about. We’ve become reality TV thrill seekers who get bored after mastering new lows.” “You mean ‘highs.’” “No, new lows. The bar of civil discourse is so low we’re more likely to trip over it than anything else.” “Ha. You got that right.” “I feel like we’re addicted to shock and shame in this reality TV election and the media just digs deeper and deeper for embarrassing facts to sell us as our tolerance rises and we need more and more to feel the same thrill. It’s only a matter of time before the candidates’ iClouds are hacked and naked photos that we can never un-see, hit the internet.” “Uhh,…thanks for that image…” “Sorry Joe, but these are the things that wake me in the middle of the night. What’s next?!” “Well, there’s always the news of the flame throwing Samsung phones to cheer you up. I heard they have a new model coming out called “ The Phoenix.” “Ha. Ha. While I cannot say I LOL’ed, I confess to some old school chortling about that. But even the rise in our AAPL holdings has not been enough to cure me of this malaise.” “There’s a new iPhone and AppleWatch and the new MacBook Pros with a Magic Task bar that just came out.” “Ah Joe, indeed your hopeful, optimistic tone doth cheer me verily, but alas, even with the Apple reality distortion field to fall into, we still have these people saying terrible things in public.” “Politics has always been a brutal sport.” “Yeah, but now it’s R-rated. Our pre-teen is asking what these words and phrases mean. Do we really need more words for our Tweens to snicker at? I haven’t been comfortable introducing my 12 year old son to anyone named “Richard” since 2012. As a family, we can’t even watch the debates without a Masters and Johnson book nearby.” “Hey, at least they’re not scary clowns, right?!” “ Please don’t talk about the freakin' clowns! I hate clowns! I’m the one who has to check our house each night for clowns, pretending that I wouldn't have a stone cold heart attack if I ever saw one and—“ “Mick, Mick! Relax, we got this. Hey. See what I did there? Relax, we got this?” “Yes, Joe. That was very clever, but I don’t get this. How did we get here? How are we going to survive the next couple of weeks?” “A media fast?” “That would require removing 9 Macs from our home, 4 iPads, 5 iPhones, 1 iPod, 2 AppleTVs, one actual TV and 3 AppleWatches. We would be naked without them all. Besides, haven’t we already established that I have no self control?” “Mick, that’s evident in your Apple hardware purchasing patterns alone.” “Then how am I supposed to hide from all of this?” “Maybe you can’t.” I sigh and say, “Yeah, you’re probably right. Just gotta suck it up and hope the Russians stop hacking us.” “Mick, I have an idea. What if you turned your newsletter into a rant about how completely burned out you are about this election? You could do something like Top 10 signs you’re totally done with this Election? “Only 10? You know, that's not a bad idea at all, Joe. A little writing therapy might just do the trick. Thanks!” “Anything to help out m’Man. You gonna be okay now? I have a house call I need to get to.” “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Get ‘er done, Joe. Thanks for the idea!” Joe waves and is out the door.
Top 20 Signs You’re Totally Sick of This Election
19) You’ve inquired at Trader Joe’s whether or not Tito’s Vodka comes in a 12 pack 18) You’ve logged out of your FaceBook Account and told friends you’re hiking the John Muir trail until mid November. You’re not, of course, but if caught in the lie you’re ready to claim you were quoted out of context. 17) For reasons you’re not entirely sure about, you now feel dirty grabbing the family cat. 16) You’re more concerned about fact checking each candidate’s truthiness than you are about climate change. 15) You suddenly realize, after never taking them seriously before, you’ve now given thoughtful consideration to half a dozen conspiracy theories and currently believe 2 competing ones. 14) You’re one of 1.6 million people in the U.S. whose name is “Donald,” or “Hillary.” 13) You realize the irony that seeing Putin shirtless on a horse two years ago was not the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in politics. It’s now no longer even in the top 10. 12) You feel a strange combination of incredulity mixed with surprising hostility towards undecided voters. Clearly it’s their fault this election is taking so long. 11) You can no longer recognize a map of the U.S. where the colors red and blue are absent. 10) You’ve been publicly shamed twice for confusing Benghazi with Ben Gazzara, the actor, but comfort yourself with the knowledge that one of the candidates thinks Aleppo is a Marx Brother. 9) You understand the appeal of a wall on our southern border but haven’t figured out how that will impede the significant percentage who come to the U.S. by plane. 8) You’re glad you didn’t initially leap into the debate when there was talk of banning all Muslin from entering the U.S. because you didn’t think a textile ban should be that controversial. 7) You’re vaguely certain that “ Drink Early, Drink Often” is a famous voting catch phrase. 6) You’ve honestly discussed a discounted bulk hours package deal with your therapist contingent upon that Xanax prescription. 5) You finally understand why famous people have Twitter accounts... and why some don’t. 4) You now believe that just because you're paranoid, it still doesn't mean there isn't a vast Left or Right wing conspiracy out to get you. 3) You feel guilty when deleting old email. 2) You realize, while driving your $35,000 truck, to your six-figure job, that is paying for your seven-figure home, where you grill ribeye steaks twice a week while watching football on your $10,000, 85” flatscreen while surfing the web on your $3500 laptop and texting friends on your $900 iPhone 7+,… "Man, this economy really sucks." 1) It occurs to you that the woman running for President who has email problems might just be a nice older lady who doesn’t know how to work her smart phone like most of the nice Septa and Octogenarians in your life. Before or after this election’s over, Mick’s Macs will continue to be here to take care of your non-partisan Apple needs. All the best, Mick, Joe, Evan, Dave, Pablo, Adrian, & Nicole www.MicksMacs.com
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